Blue Sky

Sep. 12 - A little past noon of Sunday, I received a text message from my dearest Nanay. “Ren pag naubos na itong gamot ko na pang high blood pabibili na ako sayo ne tetex ko na lang ne ok thanks.” I found it strange since we just exchanged conversations the day before when I greeted Lolo on his death anniversary. I was quick to dismiss what I have read and simply replied, “Cge ok Nanay text ka lang.” Little did I know, that was already a preview of what was to come. Looking back, I was duly convinced that it was Nanay’s way of saying goodbye, a premonition of some sort. Her final text. 

Sep. 13 - 14 - We learned that Nanay had asthma and the doctor prescribed her some medicines. COVID-19 was ruled out since there was no sign of breathing difficulty. We then arranged a video call in Bataan. Nanay was about to retire in bed, her face looked frail and sleepy, but she managed to get up, showed up in the small screen, flashed her usual, endearing smile without her pustiso and any hint of body malaise. That was the very last time we saw her. The very last memory of her being alive. The next day I slipped a message with her but there was no more reply.

Sep. 19 - Until that fateful afternoon, Nanay’s oxygen level dropped to 81 and became dangerously low. Suddenly, panic and fear engulfed us and we found ourselves crying for help. I was full of regret that I ignored the red flags. All the broken scenarios came rushing in and all I can do was to pray for a miracle. 

The scourge of COVID-19 crushed my family. Hospitals on full capacity, emergency care with no guarantees, the waiting time that took forever, and all those nightmares that unfolded during the Delta surge, the very exact time when my loving Nanay got sick. 

Sep. 20 - It was already Monday morning when a heaven-sent ambulance arrived and Nanay was transferred from Bataan to Manila in sprint. Upon the marching order of our family’s pulmonologist from Cardinal Santos Medical Center, a bed was immediately allocated to Nanay. Nanay had no signs of giving up although when she arrived in the hospital emergency, her desaturation plummeted to 78% at room air and she was dehydrated. She was formally hooked to a nasal cannula which improved her O2 at 95%. 

Nanay was already at her advanced age of 87 and due to this and her symptoms, she was categorized as critical/severe patient. Her swab test confirmed she was positive of COVID-19. Both of her lungs battled pneumonia which according to our doctors was a lethal combination of viral and bacterial. Although she was protected by a lifetime pneumococcal vaccine, the lack of COVID-19 shot slowed down her healing. But we were still hopeful that Nanay will survive. She had no lingering, debilitating illness, never been on a surgery, nor bedridden. We can all attest that she was a strong as a horse. Or I can say from my point of view, an Amazon. That was how powerful she was.  A fighter all throughout her life. 

Sep. 22 - My sister, Marian, called the attending nurse and asked to pass the phone to Nanay. She was still conscious and can still speak to us. “Yan, apo, wala na kong COVID sabi ni Doc. Pano ako uuwi? Salamat ne.” This literally shattered me in pieces. How on earth can Nanay still thank us when her life was already in danger, when everyday was no longer promised. Around three days later, from a regular room in the COVID-19 ward section, Nanay was transferred to the ICU for better monitoring. She was still stable, can eat, and follow instructions, but the oxygen level going to her lungs required more push and help. Her doctors tried the prone positioning to help her breath so to speak but they did not see any remarkable improvement. My heart was ripped into half all the more when were told that the next step for Nanay was to be intubated. 

Sep. 23 - It was a very difficult phone call and a tough family decision. We spoke as loud as we can, one by one, so she can hear us. I thanked my Lola for everything and said my I love you’s as many times as I can! I was screaming and wailing like a child. And then Nanay told us “Tulungan nyo ako” in her seemingly labored breathing because of the apparatus that blocked her mouth. I knew she wanted to talk to us lengthily because Nanay always loved long conversations and always have stories to tell. But the situation barred all of us. I knew she wanted to let us know her first few nights at the hospital. She might have already seen Lolo and Uncle Alvin and how she was scared looking with the frontliners wearing PPEs in suits like astronaut. But COVID-19 was cruel until the very end and it changed things in an instant.

We all held on and prayed like there was no tomorrow. We offered hourly mass intentions, recited the Holy Rosary, and continuously looped in the litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Memorare, engaged the guardian angels and saints, alongside the powerful novenas that we knew, and truly begged the Lord to heal Nanay. We believed that only God can turn our petitions to answered prayers. Due to COVID-19, the no companion, no visitor policy was strictly observed. No exception. This truly tortured everyone in the family. It was like a death sentence not to be able to see your loved one as hospital doors were shut down. We only relied to the information given by our doctors. Every morning, my mom would receive a call for updates and so was my sister. Those were the busiest 3 weeks of our lives doing mostly video calls, relaying news to Nanay’s siblings from all over the world, and asking for prayers.

1-2 weeks have passed and to beat COVID-19, Nanay needed to surpass an uphill battle. While it felt unimaginable nor impossible, her doctors did not give up and so do all of us. We were happy that she was not deteriorating as all her organs stable, in fact one of her lungs already cleared up, but on another note, we remained anxious of all the things administered to her – medicines, laboratory tests, machine support, etc. While we took care of the rest, Nanay endured all the physical pain. 

Oct. 9 - I dreamt of a brown butterfly inside our condo. It was so clear and as if it was just next to me. In that dream, my mom was standing and placed the butterfly in her hands and said it was Nanay. I knew at this very moment that my Nanay was ready to go to Heaven. It was her way of saying goodbye to me. Other signs that I saw was my rosary beads surprisingly disconnected from each other and the moth outside our window. 

Oct. 11 at 11:10pm - 2 days later, Nanay died peacefully in the loving hands of God. I lost my wonderful, loving, hands-on grandmother to COVID-19. She was now part of the statistics whose lives were sacrificed so others may live. But I also believed she got a special lane in Heaven through COVID-19. This was her ultimate test on earth and a sure ball ticket to God’s Kingdom. Nanay persevered, as she always did, until death. It was a very painful goodbye, a tearful separation that I will always remember until the day I die. The pandemic exacerbated our deepest loss. But we all took comfort from the exact words of her doctor that Nanay was not in pain, she was very peaceful, very quiet, and very calm all throughout the ordeal. She was in a state of full grace. And I would like to believe it was an answered prayer. God gave his Mercy and Grace to my Nanay and Mama Mary kept her promise that at the hour of death all of Her children will receive a special grace from Her.

I have heard many testimonies about my Lola since she left us. A validation that she truly left an indelible mark in the hearts of the many people she encountered. Everyone immensely loved her, looked up to her, and respected her as one of the elders in the street of San Pedro, Hermosa. She was such a matriarch who preserved beautiful memories and continued family traditions, a sister cum second mother to all her siblings, a doting wife and a selfless mother, a caring and thoughtful aunt, a loyal and loving friend, a great listener, a prayer warrior, and a steady fixture in all family gatherings. But to me, she was simply my best Lola, the other anchor along with my parents that made my roots firm, my values strong and intact, and my whole being complete. With her passing goes a treasure trove of my childhood memories. I grew up with her stories of WWII, how they lived during this period, and hid from the Japanese soldiers at a very young age. My summer vacations and fiestas with her and Lolo were always filled with delectable food from breakfast, lunch, to dinner. She loved spending a week or two either in our house in St. Jude when were still young to staying in our condo and performed her acts of service in many forms as her love language, may it be cleaning my eardrums to singing classic Tagalog songs until I fell asleep, handwashing my favorite college jacket, and to cooking and preparing food before I arrived from work. Indeed, Nanay’s weakness was her apos. She would do anything and everything for us and it was extended up to her great grandchildren. I also knew exactly what Christmas was all about, it was the morning drive to Bataan, it was visiting her, and giving her that red money envelope to her heart’s content. When I started earning, I made sure I returned Nanay’s love through quality time as we went to a movie date in the newly opened SM Manila at that time, yes, we watched ‘Mila’ starring the Maricel Soriano, booked her a trip in Boracay and Hong Kong, and spent long hours telling her stories about my love life and she would intently listen. And I can go on and on forever.

Nanay filled my world with love. A love that only a grandmother can give. I am sorry that I was not there at the end to hold and hug you for one last time. I lost my bearings when you went home to God. I will never be complete again.

Rest well now, Nanay. You have fought valiantly. Bask in God’s eternal glory. Enjoy your reward in Heaven. You are now with God. In my own appointed time, I will see you again.

But for now, I will just continue to find your presence in the vast blue sky because I am certain you are there.